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The last Sunday in AugustMade in Melbourne by Parker’s Dad

You don’t need the perfect words.

You just need to not disappear. Here’s what helps a Dad whose little one has passed on, what to say, and when to check in.

What helps, and what doesn’t

Try

  • Saying their little one’s name
  • “How are you going, really?” Ask the Dad, not only his partner.
  • Remembering the dates: birthday, due date, Father’s Day, Bereaved Fathers Day
  • Offering something specific: “I’m dropping dinner round Thursday.”
  • Still turning up in month three

Try not to say

  • “At least you can try again.”
  • “Everything happens for a reason.”
  • “Be strong for your partner.”
  • Nothing at all

Not sure what to write?

Say their name.

Tell us who he is to you, and their little one’s name if you know it. Then copy the message, or send it as a text.

Nothing you type here leaves your phone or computer. We don’t send it or keep it.

Your message

Thinking of you and your little one today, mate. It’s Bereaved Fathers Day. No need to reply. Coffee this week?

Messages for each moment

Copy one, change whatever you like, and send it. Swap in the details in [brackets].

  • In the first days

    I’m so sorry about [name]. I don’t have the right words, but I’m here. I’m dropping a meal round on [day]; no need to answer the door.

  • A few weeks on

    Been thinking about you and [name]. How are you actually going? No pressure to reply.

  • Months later

    Still thinking about [name]. Fancy a coffee or a drive this weekend? My shout.

  • If you missed the moment

    I’m sorry I haven’t said anything until now. I didn’t know what to say, and that’s on me. I’m so sorry about [name]. I’m here, whenever.

  • On Father’s Day

    Happy Father’s Day, mate. You’re still [name]’s Dad, and I’m thinking of you both today.

  • On a birthday or anniversary

    Thinking of [name] today, on their [birthday or anniversary]. You’re a great Dad. Here if you want to talk, or not talk.

If he’s your mate

A lot of Dads say their mates disappeared. Not because they didn’t care, but because they didn’t know what to say. You don’t have to say much.

  • Invite him to the usual things. Let him say no, and ask again next time.
  • Do something side by side: a drive, a surf, the footy, a job in the shed.
  • Say his little one’s name. It won’t remind him; he hasn’t forgotten.

When to check in

  1. The first weekA message, a meal, a practical job. Don’t wait to be asked.
  2. The first monthMost people stop here. Don’t. Invite him out, even if he says no.
  3. Three monthsThe world has moved on; he hasn’t. “Been thinking about [name]” means a lot.
  4. The first Father’s DayMessage him that morning. Acknowledge that he’s a Dad.
  5. Bereaved Fathers DayThe last Sunday in August. Check in, and say their name.
  6. Birthdays and anniversariesPut them in your calendar now, every year.

How to talk about it

  • Say their name. It’s the thing Dads most want to hear, and the thing people most avoid.
  • “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here” is a perfectly good thing to say.
  • Ask about them. “What was [name] like?” “Who did they look like?” Many Dads love the chance to talk about their little one.
  • Don’t fix it. Listen. Silence is fine.
  • If he cries, that’s okay. You haven’t upset him; you’ve given him room.
  • Avoid “at least”, comparisons, and anything about reasons or plans.
  • Follow up. One message is kind. Keeping it up is what Dads remember.

Worried about him?

If he’s in danger, call 000.

If you think he might hurt himself, ask him straight out, and call one of these together.

All the ways to get help

  • Suicide Call Back ServiceIf you’re having thoughts of suicide, or you’re worried about someone. Open 24/7.1300 659 467
  • LifelineCrisis support by phone, text or chat. Open 24/7.13 11 14
  • Red NoseSupport when a baby or child has passed on, at any age. Open 24/7.1300 308 307